‘Seriously, I am not sure what’s wrong with me,’ he said while staring into the void beside me. A pause ensued, then I added: ‘I’d say you are perfectly normal, but most people don’t realise just that. It’s a curse. You’ll always find some condition that fits your current symptoms, but you will never be completely satisfied with the answer. Think about it another way — most conditions make your mind’s eye invisible to the underlying cause or negative behavioural patterns. You can’t work on it; you don’t even know it’s there. Now, you are treading the realm just outside of your comfort zone. The first step in making any change in your life. It’s scary. It’s dark. It’s weird, but it is just what you make of it. It’s a gift. The gift given to you to grow, to be deeply connect to the emotional fabric of our existence. Nobody cares if you like it or not. Deal with it.’
The day took a relieving turn right there. I haven’t seen the sun in days but there she finally stood up high against the pale blue sky above the city. Something clicked inside me as I came up with these words. It’s freedom to be aware of your restrictions. When you can look at all sides of the story, magical things happen. Patterns emerge, reshape your understanding, uncover hidden relations. It’s symmetry. This is what it’s worth living for. Moments of pure beauty right in front of oneself. Being able to see, feel, and taste them. Essentially, it’s like a game we are playing and nobody knows the rules: meaningless existence, chaos, anarchy, but somehow the world can be more than that. We all participate, complicate, adapt rules and patterns we are not aware of. It’s when we become aware of them that we can be able to leave them behind. There’s nothing more frightening than fear of the unknown. It’s what holds us back. It’s what blackens our most secret thoughts. But it’s all just a game. Just a game. And what remains? More mysteries. More games, more fun, more tears, more room to grow, more of this crazy little thing called life.
The laptop battery starts to tell me that I should hurry, and although it’s sad to leave this place right on the edge — wind in my hair, sun in my face — it’s alright. The universe doesn’t give us what we want, it gives us what we need. I know my place just a little bit better now and I gladly accept it. Frankly, I appreciate it. I pack up my things and probably shouldn’t make a bad first impression on my next journey. ‘The bill please… thank you.’