Our Home is Empty

Our home is empty. The walls where our young and grinning faces covered the void came down today. I felt a sudden pinch in my stomach, but couldn’t quite understand it. I smiled and reassured myself that it’s simply another step that we both must take. I did not then realise that I was wrong.

Since we parted ways we haven’t spoken a lot; and least we spoke of us. The truth is I have been sad and bedazzled. Sad because I did not want our love to end. Because I do not give love only to take it away. Sure, I can never make any promises, but my conscience must be set. Everything else reverts to lying and trying. It’s not the same. And bedazzled because to this day I don’t understand what’s wrong. I never have. I probably never will. That’s why we got stuck.

Not being able to clear my head I seek refuge in the shower to wash away the thoughts and the angry mood which starts to overwhelm me. I don’t like to be angry, but I am beginning to understand that I don’t have anything else. No intense emotional feeling of love or care or even connectedness. I turn up the heat of the water just to feel something. It’s hot now, but it doesn’t help. I think of the last two months and what went wrong, but I recall only out of context fragments and dire questions that have never been answered. Hotter now. Never even asked. Am I a coward? It’s almost burning the top of my skin. I think of past kisses and wonder why they don’t mean anything. I need to get away.

After putting on a pyjama, I seek the refuge of my cat. She’s sitting on top of the couch, idly eying me as I try to find something to do. I decide not to interfere. If there are only mean things to say, why should we speak of them? I realise that I cannot become a better man, but the least I can do is not being any worse. The cat starts to pur, displaying a crave for attention, but I can’t even muster a lone stroke. When I have no love to give, I have nothing; I am nothing and absolutely powerless. I grab my laptop and — lost in thought — slowly start typing: Our Home is Empty.

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